Saying the Unsayable
Sometimes, the truth doesn’t come easily. There are things we have a hard time saying out loud - even to ourselves.
When a client says the unsayable, vocalizing an important observation, truth, or perception that has been creating dissonance, it often becomes a pivotal moment in a coaching relationship. When I hear these kinds of revelations, it evokes two reactions. First, it gets my attention, since I recognize the courage it takes to articulate a turbulent feeling or belief and say it to another person. It is often very clear that this is the first time the client has spoken these words aloud. Second, I anticipate accelerated progress in our coaching session, since verbalizing these thoughts usually leads to productive action steps moving the client closer to their objectives. These moments are like a clogged spot in a river freeing up, allowing the natural flow to resume and bringing new possibilities to the forefront.
What are the required preconditions that allow these important moments to occur? For me, they are trust, confidentiality, honesty, and courage. These kinds of revelations rarely emerge in the first few coaching sessions. A level of trust and familiarity needs to be established first so that the client feels they will be heard and that I will honor what they are saying and refrain from judgment. This is no small task. It is one of the reasons I discuss the distinction between mentoring and coaching in the first client session.
Mentoring can be valuable, but it usually involves providing advice (unlike my coaching) in a specific work or industry context (“How do I navigate this specific job and firm? Who should I get to know? How did you make it work when you were in my position? What should I do, given what you know about my situation?” etc.) from a particular worldview and set of values.
As a coach, I avoid imposing my values and priorities on my clients. This partly stems from my own experience developing people during my 30+ year career in corporate consulting, and partly from my formal coaching training with the Co-Active Training Institute. It sometimes will take the client a few sessions to see that in action, enough so that they begin to understand I will not judge them if they say the unsayable out loud. “I don’t want to be a partner at my firm.” “I just got promoted to a bigger role, and I feel like a fraud every day.” “I am tired of making my biggest decisions based on the opinions of others.” Those might not be easy to say to a spouse, a boss, or a peer in the workplace, but they can be important to share so that the idea gets out of the client’s head (or heart) and out into the world – where it can then be explored in the context of coaching. I often see clients surprise themselves when the words come out, either because the idea sounds different when spoken, or they are surprised to (finally) share it with someone else.
When that kind of self-confession occurs, I concentrate on holding space for my client. What does that mean? It means being truly present and willing to sit with difficult things. It means not trying to rush in and “fix” anything. It means not judging my client when they share things that are hard for them to say or go against some convention or expectation. It means validating what they are feeling and expressing gratitude for the courage it takes to say unsayable things out loud to another human being. It means listening actively and understanding how the discussion topic is embodied in my client.
Once the hard thing has been articulated, we can explore its dynamics. Is it a new insight, or has it percolated for a while? Is it based on facts or perspectives? What are the potential implications and choices presented by acknowledging the (previously) unsayable thing? How does the client really feel about it? What steps are called for if the client wants to pursue a new course of action based on the insight? The coaching dialogue can move forward productively because the river has been unclogged, the capstone placed in the arch.
When I first began to coach people formally, I described the coaching relationship as “a safe space” to explore motivations and feelings about work, and relationships, with an eye toward forward motion and increased intentionality. I changed that description after a little more experience. “Safe” is still a principle I follow, but my description is now “a courageous place” for the client to explore their goals, ambitions, and purpose.
Do you have “unsayable” beliefs or perspectives you are reluctant to articulate? What would happen if you said them aloud to yourself or someone you trusted to listen and not judge?
Once upon a time, I had a copy of that book, but I found I had a hard time engaging with the content. Maybe with more experience now, I am ready to reengage! Thanks for the suggestion, Alex!
As usual, Josh, this is an interesting approach and it raises the question: "Is this what clients want/need?" and are they ready for self discovery. But then, I mentor...which may be a different need. I find that the fewest of my mentees are able nor ready to self reflect, to see that truth in the mirror, until, through some excercises, they can start to do so. This is a huge step for most of the folks and kids I work with. So, in my view there is a lot of showing "HOW" before seeing "WHO", and then cranking up the courage to do so let alone speak about it. Maybe it is a whole different client segment which I deal with? My comment is triggered by your view to not giving them answers, and finding that one leads to the other.