What's My Third Act?

People use many different approaches to make choices about careers, family, and purpose.

I just returned from a weekend spent with more than 450 college classmates as we convened to celebrate our 40^th reunion.  It was an amazingly engaging weekend and one I don’t think I will ever forget. My wife and I went to the same college and that has created a strong incentive to attend our “every 5 year” reunions. This was our eighth such gathering, and each one has gotten more meaningful as we all bring more experience and perspective to the table and are more open and honest with each other and ourselves.

As part of the reunion programming, I had the opportunity to moderate a panel discussion on “Third Acts.” I guided six of my classmates with diverse experiences and perspectives in a lively conversation about how we are navigating our next “acts.”  Given that our classmates are in their early sixties, it seemed like an appropriate time to have this discussion. Many have retired recently or are considering doing so, while others, by choice or necessity, continue with their professional activities.  Some have made minor or major shifts in their focus, as I have done.  Some have continuing or new family commitments that occupy big chunks of time and energy – ailing parents or in-laws who require more end-of-life support, children who are still in elementary or high school, and other exigencies. Many are adjusting to changes in both work and identity. 

In addition to hearing the wide range of experiences that each panelist had to offer, we explored the process that each participant employed to guide their actions.  The details varied widely based on circumstances and personalities. Some professed to not use a specific process at all but to mainly go with their gut instincts when making big decisions. Others leaned on friends and family. Some had a coach or mentor involved.  One fairly common theme was the benefit of muting the expectations of others – family, friends, colleagues, or general societal expectations – to get clearer on what their inner leader was calling them to do and to be.  We discussed the challenges and courage it takes to amplify your own voice in decision-making and what you gain when you do so.

Another observation was that, in the span of the last 40 years since we graduated, the idea of career has morphed dramatically.  In 1984, it is fair to say that the “one job, one employer” model was considered the norm. I expected that once my career was somewhat established, I would pursue that career with one company and rise to more senior levels of management.  Classmates who were in academia had similar expectations – get on a tenure track at an educational institution and pursue a career for as long as possible there.  Deviations from this linear roadmap certainly could occur, but they were viewed as suspect, something that needed a contextual explanation to others and themselves. 

That has changed.  Some classmates have followed that track – same career, same employer – more or less throughout their professional careers, but the vast majority of us have had a patchwork of experiences, in and out of the workforce, in and out of active parenting, multiple careers with multiple areas of expertise, sometimes very intentionally and sometimes as a result of circumstance, opportunity, or necessity. People who have entered the workforce more recently have largely discarded the linear career model, opting instead for a smorgasbord approach to career and family. For example, I spent a few years in Silicon Valley between consulting leadership positions and got the distinct impression that they put a premium on diversity of experience over job continuity.  Failure at a startup isn’t the kiss of death; instead, it’s a mark of experience and leadership spirit.

In the end, the panel discussion brought me back to some convictions I have had for some time, but which have been reinforced by my coaching experience.  First, it’s important to take time to know yourself deeply and honestly. Some people can do this on their own or with close family, friends, or colleagues. Others gain clarity through therapy or coaching relationships. That knowledge – about what your purpose is, what your values are, and who you really want to be as a person, can make the difference between the experience of personal and professional frustration and a vital and fulfilling life.

Second, be kind to yourself – our worst critics are often inside us and hold us back. Having tools to recognize your own saboteurs and to mute them is key to making intentional choices.  And last, knowing that we cannot control others’ actions or behaviors, we need to learn to be great surfers, reacting to the waves that come at us with resilience, grace, and balance. I saw that in my classmates on the panel, I heard that in subsequent conversations with others at the reunion, and I see that in my clients.

What is YOUR next act?