Trust Me on This One

Trust is essential to human coexistence. This is true at work, at home, and in your relationship with yourself. Breaking it down into components may help you reinforce trust more effectively.

Trust is the foundation of any meaningful relationship, whether personal or professional. It binds people together, creating a sense of security and mutual respect. It can be viewed as a form of social currency. You can sense when you have a trust-based relationship with another person, even if it’s not always clear why there is trust.

When I rowed competitively in college, I realized early on that our crew was special because of our deep trust in each other. There were a lot of other talented, determined crews out there. Our profound personal connections, forged through difficult workouts, tedious bus rides back and forth to the boathouse, exhausted meals just before closing hours at the dining hall, pre-race weigh-ins, and focused race preparation rituals, allowed us to perform in ways other crews often couldn’t. That mutual trust allowed us to earn remarkable success in competition and to maintain a close connection off the water for decades. We still row together occasionally and find many occasions to do fun, challenging things like last year’s Grand Canyon Rim-to-Rim hike.

I was motivated to write on this topic because I realized that the theme of trust (“I don’t trust my boss to support my career growth,” “I’d like to establish a more trusting relationship with my new co-workers,” “I don’t trust that little voice in my head that I should take this next opportunity,” etc.) comes up often in my coaching practice. This isn’t the place for a treatise on trust, but I hope to present a framework that might help you approach this topic when you doubt your ability to trust a co-worker, a boss, a relative, or yourself. I suggest you think about trust as being at the intersection of three demonstrated capabilities: competence, sincerity, and reliability.

Competency: The Skillset to Deliver

Competency is all about the skills and knowledge one possesses. It's the ability to do something well. In the context of trust, competency means that a person has the expertise and capability to meet the expectations set in a relationship. Whether it's a friend who is good at giving advice, a colleague who excels in their job, or a partner who knows how to handle challenging situations, competency reassures us that the other person has the skills and wherewithal to deliver on their explicit or implied promises.

For instance, imagine you're working on a group project. The person who consistently brings valuable insights and solutions likely earns your trust over time. Their competency in the subject matter shows that they are a reliable source of information and support. It's not just about knowing things; it's about applying that knowledge effectively when it counts, and being a team player for the greater good of the group.

In our personal lives, competency can also be seen in how well someone handles everyday challenges. A friend who knows how to listen and offer wise counsel in times of need demonstrates emotional intelligence and understanding, which are crucial aspects of trustworthiness. A family member who insists on being involved in planning details of social activities but is known to be disorganized and absent-minded may not gain the trust of others in the family (in this example, the low level of trust is not based on intent but on lack of demonstrated competency).

Sincerity: The Heartfelt Truth

Sincerity is the honest expression of thoughts and feelings. It's about being genuine and transparent. In a world where authenticity is often in short supply, sincerity is an essential component of trustworthiness. When someone is sincere, they communicate openly, without hidden agendas or deceit.

Think about the people you trust the most. I am guessing they are straightforward and honest with you. They don’t sugarcoat things unnecessarily or hide the truth to protect themselves or you. Instead, they value openness and integrity. This kind of sincerity fosters trust because it shows respect for the other person's intelligence and feelings. Also consider the people who trust you implicitly. How do you communicate with them - openly and honestly, or with ulterior motives below the surface? When you trust yourself to make the right call in a situation, it’s often because you are clear about your intent and feel like you are being honest with yourself.

Sincerity is crucial in both good times and bad. When someone is honest, even when it’s difficult, they demonstrate that they value the relationship over their own emotional comfort. A friend who tells you a hard truth out of concern for your well-being, or a colleague who gives constructive feedback to help you grow, are both displaying sincerity. These actions, though potentially uncomfortable, build trust because they come from a place of genuine care and honesty.

However, intent plays a big role here. I often coach clients who have received work performance feedback and struggle to separate the message from the messenger - largely due to how the message was delivered and often because there was a deficit of trust before the interaction. It is hard to fake care and honesty for very long, and people have good radar for detecting deceit when they hear it.

Reliability: The Consistent Presence

Reliability is about consistency and dependability. It’s the act of being there when you say you will be and doing what you say you will do. This component of trust is often built over time, through repeated actions that demonstrate a person's commitment and dependability. I’ve found that this area of trust-building - creating a track record of delivery on commitments - is one of the easiest ways to be intentional about building trust in others, especially when you are new to an organization or work environment.

Consider how important reliability is in our day-to-day lives. A friend who always shows up when they say they will. A coworker who consistently meets deadlines. A business partner who follows through on their promises. We learn to rely on these kinds of people, influenced by their consistent behavior. This gives us confidence in their character and their commitment to the relationship.

Reliability also involves being present, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. It means being attentive and engaged, especially when it matters most. For example, if someone always remembers to check in with you during tough times or when they don’t need something from you, their reliability in providing support and interest becomes a cornerstone of the trust you share. I often ask clients how often they reach out without an explicit agenda to colleagues, business partners, and others they want to build trust with (this could be in the form of sharing a news article of interest, or a general inquiry about how someone’s week is going, or other personalized form of connection without a quid pro quo). If the answer is “rarely,” we might discuss how this can impact the development of trust in the relationship.

The Interplay of Competency, Sincerity, and Reliability

While each component—competency, sincerity, and reliability—is important on its own, true trust is built when all three are present and work together seamlessly. Imagine a scenario where you trust someone professionally because they are competent, but they often hide their true feelings or intentions, or they frequently miss important deadlines. Or consider a friend who is sincere and kind-hearted but unreliable in times of need. In both cases, the lack of one element can erode the overall trust that might otherwise be present.

When someone is competent, sincere, and reliable, they create a holistic picture of trustworthiness. You believe they know what they're doing (competency), that they are being truthful (sincerity), and that you can count on them (reliability). This trifecta not only fosters trust but also strengthens the bond between people, making relationships more resilient and fulfilling.

Building and Rebuilding Trust

Trust is not static; it can be built, lost, and rebuilt. Understanding the components of trust helps in recognizing areas for improvement. For instance, if you find that people don’t trust you as much as you’d like, consider which of these components might need work. Are you competent to fulfill your promises? Are you sincere in your interactions? Are you reliable in your commitments?

If you are having trouble trusting others, ask yourself what aspect of their behavior is driving your lack of trust. Do you think they are well-intended but just not very good at the required actions you need from them? Are they technically proficient but have demonstrated poor reliability? Or is your lack of trust driven more by your hypervigilant saboteur, which may be highly protective and inherently suspicious of other people’s motives?

If trust has been broken, rebuilding it often requires focus on all three components. Demonstrating competency by rectifying mistakes, showing sincerity through open communication, and proving reliability by consistently following through on commitments are essential steps in regaining lost trust.

Nurturing Trust in Everyday Life

Trust is an essential part of human connection, and understanding its components can help us nurture it in our lives and our work. By striving to be competent, sincere, and reliable, we not only become more trustworthy ourselves but also set a standard for the relationships we want to build and maintain. Remember, trust is a two-way street; as much as we seek these qualities in others, we should also embody them ourselves.

So, the next time you think about trust, remember it's more than just a feeling—it's a blend of actions and qualities that we can all work on. The payoff is a set of relationships where the participants can focus their energies on more creative and productive topics than the basics of “can I rely on what they are committing to, and will they do it well?”

Question: How do you build trust-based relationships at work, and what is possible when you establish the highest levels of trust in others?