The Power of Articulating Your Values
Knowing What Drives Your Choices Can Open Up New Possibilities
For four years in college, I trained with my rowing team, vigorously, 6 days a week throughout the entire school year, through fall, winter and spring, with a training-to-racing time ratio of about 500:1. Why? Rowing doesn’t have professional leagues the way that football, basketball, baseball or hockey do. It does not attract much of a viewing crowd on race day, in part because the event is 2000 meters long and not easy for spectators except for a minute or so at the finish line. Outside of rowing circles, there isn’t much fame (and certainly no fortune) associated with the sport. As lightweight rowers, we had to watch everything we ate to make sure we could make weight. So why did all my crewmates and I show up day after day, week and week, to participate in what has been described by some as “waterborne repetitive suffering”? None of us had hopes of a pro rowing career, but we practiced with an intensity equal to any of the teams with more publicity and money.
I believe that the behaviors we exhibited in that participation reflected choices we made as individuals and as a group, which in turn were driven by some unstated values that we shared. Discipline, loyalty, determination, and competitiveness were very present for me throughout my collegiate rowing career, and I suspect these values, or similar ones, provided the energy and fuel for many of my teammates. We were a group of late teen to early 20’s men and I don’t recall overtly talking much about the values that underpinned our behavior, but I think we could sense it in each other and it drew us together. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if we were more intentional about recognizing and discussing how all the elements of rowing honored our values. Would it have made us better oarsmen, more resilient when difficulties arose? Would it have brought us closer as a group?
The topic of values comes up frequently in my professional career and life coaching practice. When clients talk about wanting to be more fulfilled in their lives, it is natural to discuss what they value the most and how closely their choices reflect those values. Often, when clients feel like they aren’t leading as fulfilling a life as they desire, there is some fundamental misalignment between the choices they are making, the circumstances they are in, and values that are important to them. One person holds integrity as a vital value but is in a work situation where the culture tolerates lying and unethical behavior. Another values recognition but rarely receives positive acknowledgement of their contributions. A third values autonomy but works in an environment that is very command-and-control. There is a palpable dissonance in these situations; but often, the reason for the dissonance is unstated. The connection between values and a sense of fulfillment may not be well understood and articulated. So, we explore values and try to name them clearly, often prioritizing those that the client holds most closely.
A few contextual notes. First, values as I address them here are not the same as virtues, principles or morals. Where morals have a clear “right and wrong” behavioral component (Merriam-Webster defines a moral as “of or relating to the judgment of right and wrong in human behavior”), values do not have inherent virtue built into them. They are the intangible descriptors of those elements that drive the choices we make, our behaviors and priorities. It is one of the reasons I don’t send clients a list of values to explore as they think about clarifying their own values. There is too much temptation to go “shopping” for values that one might aspire to as a virtue, as opposed to the harder work of examining the underlying beliefs and values that are important to the individual, that really drive their choices regardless of the “morality” of them.
There are a few ways I work with clients to intentionally articulate their values. One is observational: when I hear an underlying value coming through in our dialog, I will name it and ask the client if that is, indeed, an important value for them. If they agree, we both make note of it. If it doesn’t resonate with the client, we just move on. Another way is to ask a series of prompting questions that are situational: what types of behaviors really get under the client’s skin? Often this reflects a value being dishonored and we can reverse engineer our way to the underlying value. Who does the client really admire? What specific behaviors drive that admiration, and what values inform those behaviors? When do they experience strong positive or negative emotions? Over time, we can assemble a robust list of values and the client can prioritize the list.
How is this powerful? For one thing, any situation can be assessed against the backdrop of these values, which form a kind of highly individual stimulus-reaction algorithm. Knowing one’s own algorithm more explicitly can help drive better decision-making and can lead to a more aligned and fulfilling life. Being clear about which values are at stake, and how well they are being honored, is an essential element of amplifying one’s personal growth. It also helps when living by a value can be difficult; understanding their priority can make it clearer what price an individual is willing to pay to really live by his or her values vs. capitulating to the circumstances at hand and stepping on an important value. Another benefit is that clients often discover internal tension between and among their own values. For example, an individual might have two values, humility and recognition, that can sometimes do battle with each other. The self-knowledge gained by discovering and putting a name of these internal flashpoints can help an individual navigate their lives more effectively.
As a coach, I am not invested in specific values being identified or prioritized; the process of surfacing important values and thinking about which ones are most energizing to an individual is the important thing. Armed with this knowledge, they are better prepared to make more resonant choices in their lives and map out a path that will be more fulfilling.
The values I could sense during my competitive rowing days - discipline, loyalty, determination, and competitiveness – are very much present for me today, and they still guide the choices I make in my life. I am just more actively aware of them today than I was when I was 20.