Listen Up!
Or, why we urgently need better listening skills.
When rowing in college, one of my favorite training drills was “Eyes Closed.” Our coach would have us row eyes closed under certain conditions: calm water, mid-practice after we had warmed up and gotten into something of a rhythm as a crew, but when we were not rowing in perfect synchrony. We would continue to row, at light pressure, with our eyes closed. The deprivation of visual information felt disconcerting at first - so much of your fine balance comes from your eyesight - but what remained was amplified and fascinating. The feeling of the boat underneath us, the sound of the oar collars rotating in the oarlocks with a distinctive “thunk” that was always there but so much more noticeable when we closed our eyes and listened, the soft splash of the blades dropping into the water at the catch, the smell of the river. Our focused attention inevitably made the boat row more smoothly, and after a minute or two, we were asked to open our eyes again. It was a small meditation in the middle of an energetic workout, and it intimated to me the power of listening intentionally.
I’ve found myself thinking about listening a lot lately. I suppose it is because of the current terrible situation in Israel and Gaza right now, and my perception that there is not enough real listening happening within and across different communities. But it is more than that; my experience and formal training as a coach emphasize listening as part of human development and building strong relationships among work colleagues, friends, and families. Many people fail to recognize the power that emanates from true, deep listening. If they did, they would listen actively more often.
Maybe it’s a bit silly to do a deep dive on listening skills. It seems obvious, yet daily observation confirms that few people listen very well. Think about someone you might describe as “a good listener;” I’ll bet you really admire them for that skill. I will also bet that their behavior sticks out as a rarity among your acquaintances.
In Rick Rubin’s masterful book The Creative Act: A Way of Being, he says the following: “When you practice listening with the whole self, you expand the scope of your consciousness to include vast amounts of information otherwise missed…[w]hen the listener is totally present, the speaker often communicates differently. Most people aren’t used to being fully heard, and it can be jarring for them.” I have found this to be so true in coaching. A meaningful element of my practice is being a present, active listener with my clients. When I am true to my aspiration to be a great listener, my clients communicate in a deeper, more meaningful way. (My wife may find it ironic that I am writing on strong listening skills; I am working on it, honey!)
But what is “good listening”? My coaching training with Co-Active Training Institute emphasizes three levels of listening. Level One listening is mainly internal; you are mainly aware of your own perspectives, thoughts, or agendas. Your mind may wander a bit as you partially hear what others are saying. You are mostly caught up in thinking about how you will respond, what you object to in what you hear, or other unrelated thoughts. What’s distinctive about Level One listening is that you are not really fully hearing the other person or people.
Level Two listening involves intense, focused attention on what the other person is saying. Usually, this means you are consciously setting an intention to keep your attention undivided on what you are hearing. You aren’t anticipating what you will say next, or what happened in the past or will happen in the future. You are very present with the other speaker.
Level Three listening is like Level Two, but with a wider “field of hearing”. You aren’t just hearing the words but also noticing body language, tone, speech pattern, and other environmental contexts. It’s like moving from a telephone call to a video conference, with more data points from which to draw meaning.
Rick Rubin doesn’t call it Level Two or Three listening, but his book touches on this topic: “Listening is suspending disbelief. We are openly receiving. Paying attention with no preconceived ideas. The only goal is to fully and clearly understand what is being transmitted, remaining totally present with what’s being expressed— and allowing it to be what it is. Anything less is not only a disservice to the speaker, but also to yourself. While creating and defending a story in your own head, you miss information that might alter or evolve your current thoughts.”
This is really hard for most people. Modern culture, social media, and politics often demand and reward the negation of the “other” and the quick comeback, the “posterization” of ideas such that colorful and nuanced concepts get flattened into black-and-white contours. It creates misunderstandings and curtails the development of deeper human bonds.
What does this have to do with coaching? I think of it in two buckets. First, I try to be intentional about listening at Levels Two and Three when coaching. I am listening to the words and observing my client's intonation, hesitations, posture, and composure to more fully understand what he or she is communicating. To do this, I try to tap into my curiosity. In Rubin’s words, “if we can go beyond our reflexive response, we may find there is something more beneath that resonates with us or helps our understanding.” When I do this well, I know I am a better coach for my clients. If a session seems to fall a little flat, I reflect on whether I was listening as well as I intended and whether I was sufficiently curious.
Second, I often work with my clients on building their own listening skills as they navigate the workplace or their personal lives. More active and effective listening is often a big “unlock” in the workplace - it leads to a deeper understanding of nuanced situations, stronger relationships with coworkers, and more informed decision-making. The same is true in the realm of personal relationships.
For clients interested in increasing their listening skills, I generally suggest four steps:
Recognize the power of better listening and create an intention to improve your active listening.
Reflect on a recent work or personal situation where you believe you could have listened more effectively, and reimagine that interaction with better listening behavior.
Anticipate an upcoming meeting or other interaction where you intend to listen more effectively. Set a clear intention for that interaction and visualize your own listening behavior in that setting. Imagine what it would be like for you to listen at Levels 1, 2, or 3. Think about the impact you might have while listening at those different levels.
Practice your listening skills. Take two minutes and try this exercise. Go out your door onto the street in front of your house or apartment, or just try it from your chair (office, home, coffee shop, it doesn’t matter). Close your eyes and listen for the farthest sound you can hear. Try to exclusively focus on that sound for 15-30 seconds. Now reset your focus to listen to the nearest sound you can hear - it’s often the sound of your own breathing. Focus exclusively on that sound for 15-30 seconds. If your mind wanders to other thoughts, notice that and return to the focus on the near-in sound. Then, take a moment to pay attention to the rising and falling of your chest or stomach as you breathe. This short exercise is calming and “works out” your ability to focus on listening and being in the moment.
Finally, an inquiry: What would open up for you if you could be twice as effective a listener?
